Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Tryptophane Trip and Subsequent Rant and Recovery Program

Ugh, where am I? How can it possibly be December??
Hey...New sweaters... unnecessary gadgets...10,000 DVDs still in the wrapper...where did all this STUFF come from? And why can't I find a clean fork anywhere? Most importantly...


The answer to all of these questions lies in the trash can- turkey bones are everywhere. One glimpse into that gristly, gizzardy container tells me Thanksgiving has once again come and gone in a gravy-soaked flash.

Here is my theory on the recent mysterious events:
The farming industry is in cahoots with the retail giants!
Per the genius Alton Brown, the first Thanksgiving most likely served wild deer, elk, pheasants, corn, lobster and fish. As time passed, those original ingredients faded and were replaced by TURKEY.  Turkey became the big Thanksgiving food cash cow for farmers and the reasons behind this monopoly are many; I am sure turkeys are stupider than other more authentic Thanksgiving critters therefore easier to procure, and perhaps they take to fattening for the feast more than other birds. But the main reason, surely, is due to the discovery by the farm and retail industries that turkey is a source of tryptophane. Simply put, we eat gobs of turkey that the farmers place before us (since they get quite the kickback from retailers, I bet), laced with nature's sedative which puts us into a hazy fog of sleepy compliance.  THEN once we are in this vulnerable state the retail industry  goes out hanging shiny signs up to entice our enfeebled brains spend money.  Black Friday? More like BlackOUT Friday.

The real kicker is that the farmers have grown turkeys so BIG that leftovers are inevitable (and- let's face it- munchies are inevitable on this kind of mind-altering substance so you WILL eat more turkey), hence the drugging of John Q. Public AND the sales are extended for the length of the turkey leftovers in a sick circle of meat and commercialism(!!).  Think about it- the size of turkeys over the years has had a direct positive correlation with the amount of post-Thanksgiving sale days! The plot- like the gravy- thickens? This cannot be a coincidence.

It's all a wicked conspiracy to separate me from my money by taking advantage of my love of shiny signs and eating turkey. Bastards.

Oh well. At least my Christmas shopping is finished, plus I have some fun new things for me! Sleepy, turkey-drugged Project Leader has a good eye.

AND, when trying to recover some memories of the past few days now that I'm in my own mind again, I found this picture when searching through my phone:

Looks like I discovered that Go Dog has launched her own line of products. Either that, or she is going to have to sue someone.

Oh, and because I want to be the best Leader ever for Go Dog, I am trying to be fit and stuff. So naturally I wanted to know what my Thanksgiving day munchie fest cost me as far as Project Fitness. Based on this cool/awful site, I had (including leftovers): 2145 calories. Accordingly, I needed to walk 21.45 miles, or 42900 steps, assuming  one mile is 2,000 steps in order to make up for the binge. So the finale to my Lost Week means recovery program. At the gym. I still owe... 9 miles. Bleak.

Maybe one last helping of sweet potato casserole before I get on that. It's the same principle as the Dog's Pumpkin Diet...right?

1 comment:

  1. Go Dog makes CUTE TOYS!!! I sure hope she can remember her 'pin' number so she can make withdrawals! She's probably getting paid in doggie cookies! On the bright side, those are probably save from you! (;