Monday, April 18, 2011

High Crimes and Misdemeanors

This used to be such a nice neighborhood.

Clearly it’s gone to the dogs.

Crime is on the rise here in Woodbury. Parents don’t let children traverse the streets alone. No more late night joggers. Everyone stays inside- doors locked.

Practically overnight, the reported incidences of serious crime have doubled and in some cases, are up 100% over this time last year.

Who is to blame?

"It wasn't me, it was the one-armed man!"

Yeah, she has a cute face, I know.  Don’t let the looks fool you. She has a rap sheet 10 miles long to go with that sweet little mug. 

"I don't know what yer talkin' about- I plead the 5th."
What is she guilty of? Oh just a little…

Assault (The boyfriend’s eye. My nose. The Dog’s tail. To name a few instances of bodily harm).
Battery (Cited several times for unwanted contact- mainly nose bonking into face at projectile speeds.)
Disorderly conduct (Noise complaints are through the roof. Constantly being accused by coppers of killing cats in basement).
Vandalism (Couch. Peed on. ‘Nuf said.)
Theft (Socks disappearing at rapid rates.  Rawhides being stolen from places of storage. Black market involvement? Probably)
Trespassing (Forbidden Office and Garage constantly being accessed without authorization.)
Mayhem (Really, this is self-explanatory. Typically happens with Crack Ducky accomplice in joy-ride manner.)
Kidnapping (Wiggle Puppy and Well Behaved BC [haha, joke- it’s a stuffed dog] both disappeared. Held for ransom of treats in unreachable areas i.e. behind couch and under bed.)  
Carrying a concealed weapon (Yes, puppy teeth are considered concealed weapons when they are used as such- see first conviction.)
Loitering (Constantly hanging out looking nefarious in backyard instead of moving along indoors.)
Moral Turpitude (falsely representing self as cute sweet puppy, malicious destruction of property by eating bathroom wall and lewdness- she is a poo eating HO.)
"I'll show YOU Moral Turpitude!"
She’s even got The Dog turned on to the life of crime. Though so far she has only the one conviction:

Aiding and Abetting (she can’t help it, sometimes The Pup has what seems like a good idea- stealing rawhides- and she has to get in on it. Usually get left in the lurch as the stoolie though. Poor little thug.  She wasn’t made for the life, like some. I suspect that she was taken by The Pup's pyramid scheme too...)

"The Pup said I should give her all my money
and that she'd triple it in a year!!"
We’ve instituted a parole program. Time out under intense supervision only. Hoping it isn’t too late to hope for reform. The recidivism rates for ex-cons are high though. Odds are against her.

Maybe I can get her on that Pit Bulls and Paroles show.

That would probably just turn her on to drugs and prostitution though. 


  1. Hi Shenna! Very funny. Makes me feel like our little miscreant (a corgi-heeler mix and rescue/parolee who came with baggage) ain't so bad after all! lol.

    PS. The one-armed man reference speaks to your possibly being from... my generation.

  2. Gee, now this really has me thinking about when the one-armed man thing came about. I guess my stance would be that Harrison Ford thriller humor is good enough to span all generations! :D