The theme of life lately.
The Dog and I, we had a fabulous fun time running FEO together. Make no mistake. It’s been awhile since there were moments of just us two and being able to have that made it even more special.
It was exciting, educating and ever so humbling. Some of those teams- wow! No guts no glory- no regrets. You could see it in their faces and feel it in the emotion afterwards. I had a unique opportunity to be at the heart of it, where everything was so real and raw, the good and the bad all flowing at once. And me wondering if I could do that, could I be so brave? Could I ever put myself out there in that way? No guts no glory- no regrets. Something to think about.
By definition, my being there and running didn’t mean anything to anyone but me. A nice safe little place to work from. But I still wanted to try hard and do our best. To see what our best was. Now I’m not sure I did, not sure my motivation was there for it. Not in the way it was for some people. I thought before that I wanted to do well. But I did it on a whim. For a bunch of floating reasons- nothing concrete, not an ‘aim’ in mind. But if it was ‘for real’ for me, I might have done things like practice. Like find a way to work courses when I knew it was what I needed. Be in shape. Or you know, figure out for myself what the motivation was.
Basically I feel like I need to get some things figured out. What I want, where I want to go and then how will I get there. I do want to have something to put on the line and then put it there. I want no holds barred, no regrets kind of moments, not safe little places to work from where I have excuses and nothing to answer to but lots of things to hide behind.
It was just for fun, but I don’t want it to be that way. I don’t mean, take the fun away please. But why can’t we have fun and meaning? Fun with a purpose? I want to learn to have fun in these moments where what I want is there for the taking and I can enjoy the attempt to snatch it, not one or the other moments.
Anyways. Like I said, humbling. Educating.
But despite this, regardless of how I feel about myself and whether I am going to get on the bus or off… I am just so proud of my little dog. My unpolished gem. She is made of stronger things after all. And if she can do THAT well, maybe I can learn to be brave too.
"I knew that in the silence that followed, that anything could happen here. It might be too late again. I might have missed my chance. But I would at least know I tried, that I took my heart and extended my hand, whatever the outcome."